Sunday, July 19, 2009

5 Days

Today has been a pretty good day so far, but as I've learned being 5 days completely free of anti-anxiety meds, it could change in an instant.

I actually cried at the Emmy nominations because Chandra Wilson from Grey’s Anatomy received two nominations. Yes, I’m happy for her. It’s nice to see a woman get recognition for more than her streamlined body and blond hair. They were happy tears because I think she probably has worked very hard and deserved it. In my opinion this woman is a fierce actress and my happiness for her showed. On the other hand, I cried at the Emmy nominations.

Up next, Regis & Kelly, whom I enjoy very much. I love Kelly Ripa. She totally has my sense of humor. I like to imagine if Kelly and I ever got the chance to hang out, we would be forever friends. I know, just how all her fans feel. But, we really are very similar..WE ARE!!

Today, Regis called Harry Potter, Peter Potter and this made me laugh uncontrollably for a good half hour. I mean, anyone who is familiar in the least with Regis knows he mispronounces names all the time, but this struck me as the funniest thing I`ve heard in a while. The look of surrender on Kelly`s face was hilarious enough, but I laughed for a HALF HOUR. And not just a giggle, this was a belly laugh complete with gasps for air. Did I mention I was by myself?

While driving to Walmart later on to get some Emla cream to soften the blow of the tattoo I’m getting tomorrow (whole other blog) as part of my Mid-life Crisis Tour, “All Summer Long” by Kid Rock came on the radio. I automatically cranked it and started rocking out…which really is not unusual. I like my rock and this song reminds me of my summers growing up. I was completely into it, stopped at a light, music cranked and just like ever cliche of this sort of thing, a man in a sports car pulled up beside me. I looked out the corner of my eye and tried to suppress my inner rock goddess. I do have to admit this was really hard and I was feeling a bit put out because I really wanted to sing the next part.

“Catchin' Walleye off the dock. Watchin' the waves roll of the rocks. She’ll forever hold a spot inside my soul.”

And just as fast as I started, I began to cry. Yup, cried! Brutal. Bob Richie (aka Kid Rock) would be so disappointed. Not to mention the guy beside me (who was clearly going through a mid-life crisis of his own) must of thought I was a freak! In his defense, I am, sort of, right now. The look of confusion on his face right before the light turned green was enough encouragement for me to pull myself together.

I don`t blame him for the jaw dropping. Especially if you know what I look like. I`m not exactly the type you would catagorize as a rock chick; short blond hair, neat appearance, etc. He probably was stunned I was even listening to Kid Rock.

When I was younger, I was pegged more for the Duran Duran crowd ...that`s why I had an endless supply of metal t-shirts and hung out with the boys from the local bands. No, not in a nasty way. Gawd, people. I just liked to listen to them play. And I enjoyed their company very much. Still do. And in a sense they will, "forever hold a spot inside my soul."

Which I guess is the reason I cried.

With all these emotions it`s tough to see who the real me is anymore. However, it`s becoming clear the two years I was on the meds, my emotions lied rather dormant. It wasn`t as though I couldn`t feel, but I felt a lot less. And although the last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster, I still think weaning off was the right thing to do. I mean who wants to miss out on the belly laughs, even if it costs you a few tears?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Melaxin'

That's my new word for today. My soon to be 6 year old son said it today..not on purpose, but I thought it was clever. Sort of like the new words "Chillax" and the like. We (my son, my daughter and I) decided it meant relaxing and being mellow, since when he said it he was leaning back with his feet up in a chair in Winners, while I was trying to figure out a way to talk my husband into all the reason why we need a new desk.

I have to remember this word, especially on days like today. I'm 8 days into my 2 week vacation, which is great, except that my two week vacation is followed by a temporary lay-off...Not that I'm sweating it too much. I did volunteer. It seemed like the right thing to do since:

A) I needed a break BIG TIME.
B) It will actually save me money in the end because I don't have to pay full time child care for the summer (that is if I don't go buying things like a maniac..)
C) I probably saved someone who is the sole provider for their family a job.

Sounded great. I had many plans for the first two weeks which is my "vacation" because I still had to give my day care provider notice..so since I was paying her, thought I could get some thing done. These things included (but aren't limited to)the following:

1. Get my blog going that has been neglected
2. Finish my novel, the synopsis and get it out to agents
3. Network in the writing industry to help with #2
4. Get off my anti-depressant/anxiety drugs that I hate. (This process I began several weeks ago)
5. Paint my daughters room
6. Clean the kids toy area.
7. Train the new puppy.
8. Get myself in some kick ass shape and combat #4 in the process.
9. Get my house clean once and for all.
10. Paint and re-do basement to make room for my "work" area
11. Be the perfect stay at home Mom.

..and the list goes on..I won't tell you how much of this I actually got done. But, I will tell you that the entire first week was dedicated to the puppy. Anyone who has ever trained a puppy will know what I'm talking about. And anyone that knows this, knows I got nothing else done.

On a positive note, I have been working really hard on health and fitness and doing a bang up job. I've laid off the wine (except for a couple glasses on the weekend..come on I need to be realistic to myself too) and since I started 8 weeks ago of really kicking ass..I do see a difference, and every morning after my workout and 20min meditation, I think I could take on the world. By early evening however..I'm unpredictable.

Take today for example. I have all these things on my list (which I know is part of my problem..Along with depression and aniexty I also have a tendancy to be obessive compulsive). Well, my son slept really late, however he wasn't feeling well the day before so I kept the kids home with me. All was okay..until we decided to go to the park. Well, actually on the way back from the park. My son was racing and the puppy was trying to follow..that's hard to do when you have a leash. I have to tell my son over and over, DO NOT make the dog run after you..but he did anyway (after the 4th warning in 5 mins) and the puppy ran and yanked the leash right out of my hands. What comes next kind of scared me a little. I ran after the dog, twisted my knee (which is in bad shape to begin with) and after I caught her just wanted to (but didn't) lose control. I slapped the dog (okay, I kind of did)...but, what I really felt like doing was slap my son..so instead I yelled in the middle of the steet for all the neighbours to hear through their open windows and his big blue eyes immediately filled with tears.

And just like that I lost all the self confidence I'd built up this morning. I felt bad. I know it's probably a reprocussion of being 3 days completely off the meds..but, the mood swings are crazy. Don't get me wrong. I won't hit my son and the hit to the dog was really a tap, but I'm a perfectionist and there is not room in a perfectionists life to lose control.

So, the rest of the day I was mad at myself..which screwed with my self esteem. I just wanted some fries and a beer. I took the kids to do some errands and the traffic made me angry, like intense angry. My knee hurts so bad and I'm furious that it might screw up my workouts over the next few days. Something, at this point I can't afford. They make me feel strong and happy..They also make me feel pain (lmao) and I have a hard enough time talking myself into doing them without having an injury.

On the way home, in traffic, I was trying to think of ways to fight the depression. What I wanted was junk food and a glass of wine to unwind. I didn't want to cook supper because that would mean no satisfaction on my end and a REALLY sore knee from standing in the kitchen. So, I decided on Subway and a little bit of vodka mixed in with my water and Crystal Light. Hey, a girl as to live a little..Right?..Just a girl, her yappy puppy and a computer..Melaxin!