I miss him already. David (my therapist) and I had our last appoinment today. I was blinded sided because I thought we would have one more before he left.
He was pretty impressed with me today. I told him I went in to my boss and asked to be included if there was another round of layoffs. Now, I know what you're thinking; You're asking to be layed off?...Well, yes...You see, I've finally come to terms with one of my main aniexty problems. I hate my job. This isn't to say I hate the place I work for or that I have an asshole for a boss. I don't. In fact, I thrived there. I'm a star. They've always been kind and supportive. I will never forget the look on my bosses face when I asked him to lay me off. Now, this doesn't mean he will. In fact, he told me he didn't want to. And as David pointed out, I have to be prepared for my next move if they do not, in fact, lay me off. Am I going to continue to let life happen to me or am I going to take control?...which is my entire problem.
All my life, I've just let life happen and hope for the best. I've been an outstanding employee. I've worked hard and did everything that was asked of me and more, but after 14 years I've had enough. My body as had enough and has been telling me so for the last year in the way of panic attacks, stomach problems etc... I've been afraid of quitting and starting over. And now in light of my 40th birthday coming up in August, I'm having some mid-life issues. I don't like to go to work, I don't want to be there, but at the same time I've worked really hard for the money I have invested in this company for my retirement. However, the other day it just struck me. You're 40, not 60..You will be here for another 25 years before you retire. Can you stay here for another 25 years? The answer is no. I would rather work until I was 75 and do what I enjoyed doing then spend my time hunched in a cubicle and waiting..waiting...Waiting for what? There is no saying I'm even going to make it until I'm 65!!!
So now I know I have to leave. I need to be an example to my kids who have only heard me complain about my job. I need them to see someone working hard (no matter what the age) to make themselves happy. So they know happiness isn't something you're deserving of but something you bring upon yourself. I need to do this for me, to prove to myself that I can. I need to take control of my life and stop leaving it up to chance. But, I'm incredibly scared.
Thanks David, you're a star and I will always remember your quiet, nondirectional guidance and patience..just sitting there in your starched shirts and sweater vests waiting for this crazy woman to come to her senses and recognize the real issues. You're a blessing. All the best!