Sunday, March 22, 2009

Getting To Know Me

"I wish I knew then, what I know now..."
Wouldn't it be brilliant if you really did? Are there people that actually do? I certainly didn't. Thinking back I didn't know myself at all. Most teenagers don't. They think they do, only to find they really never did.

I, on the other hand knew at the time I didn't have a clue. I didn't understand me....why I did the things I did? said? etc.. I've always been in a state of confusion. Very rarely was I ever sure of any decision I ever made, even though I've come to find out I have great instincts. I wish I'd learned to trust myself earlier. I wish I would've liked myself back then. If I had, I'm sure I would be doing great things now.

As it is, I'm just starting to like myself better and attempting to accept me for me. It's a struggle, believe me, when you're use to constantly questioning and putting pressure on yourself. We are always hardest on ourselves. I'm working on being my own best friend. To treat myself as I would others. I've been paying attention to this a lot lately and let me tell you...I'm a real shitty friend to myself. So, I'm focusing on stopping that. Which explains the "allaboutmetour." I don't want it to sound selfish, but it most definitely is. It's time for me to be a bit selfish. To give myself a break and make time for me. I need to get to know me...which actually feels like one of those really awkward silences between two people who have known each other for a while, but have never been forced to spend time alone and are struggling to make conversation. It's weird and complicated which are two words I would never use to describe myself.

Normally, I'm not this serious. Truthfully, I felt like I should write a blog since it's been a week and I didn't have a topic or the time to sit and write one. This week wasn't all that exciting. So, I just started the blog and let my fingers fly and this is what you got. Don't get disappointed. I do get better. I just have to get use to the whole process and quit putting pressure on myself to write one...See what I mean?

Saturday, March 14, 2009

What The Hell Am I Doing Here?

So tonight probably isn't the best time for me to begin my blog. My head hurts, I ate too much and I'm totally neglecting my children by encouraging them to turn their heads to mush by playing Wii...

That being said, I needed to start sometime and I was completely wasting time anyway just surfing the same stupid sites I check everyday. The fact is, I should be working...well, specifically writing..but, for some reason I can't bring myself to. I'm halfway through my rewrite of a novel and it's going painfully slow. Literally, chapter 8 is 2 inches from my laptop and I can't bring myself to pick it up. It's been there for a week. Why? If I had to venture a guess, I would say I know I should do it, I know I have to do it, so I don't..I'm a bit stubborn that way..Very unproductive, I know. It's just one of the many things I've been trying to learn about myself over the past couple of years. Why I'm queen of self sabotage.

Let's start with, I'm in therapy..yeah, I said it..I go to therapy..and as far as I know, I'm not crazy (unless, I am and he's not telling me). I totally have no business being there. I have a nice life. I'm healthy, have a job, a great family. I wasn't abused. My childhood was normal. Yet, there I sit, spilling my guts out to a total stranger and as it turns out, loving it. His name is David, my therapist, and he totally looks like one. He sits straight as a pin. His pants have the crease from the iron running down the front. His shirts are starched and the collar stands tall out from his sweater vests. Before we begin each session he takes a deep inhale and slowly lets it go with his eyes closed. I know, at first I had my reservations, but as it turns out he's pretty good and I miss him when I have to wait between appointments. So, it was even harder for me to bare when he told me he was retiring. It felt like he was breaking up with me. We only have a couple more sessions together. I don't know if I will continue with someone else. I don't think I can go through the whole "getting to know all about you" thing again.

This brings me to the blog. The way I figure, I should be "free falling" (a writing term for writing anything once a day for practice) and I LOVE emailing friends so I thought I should just do one massive email to whoever is in cyberspace that wants to listen. It'll be my own kind of therapy. Who knows, I might not need another David.

Oh, who am I kidding? Yes, I probably will. In fact, I think everyone should have a David and I definitely don't think it needs to be this "secret affair" hidden away from people...although I do hide it. Well, I don't hide it..it's just that I don't go around offering up the information. Some of the most emotionally stable people in the world go to a therapist. Then again, you could counter with some of the most unbalanced people in the world, also go to therapy..but, I digress..